Rage against the dying light of my sanity

- Never Stop Dreaming -

Is this a sign, an indication, a calling, a revelation or simply an omen…I really seek to know the truth if there is a greater being out there. I don’t need your assurance when others would lament where’s the faith but if any omnipotent superior celestial form do exists, shed some light to all these series of unfortunate events and many more to come. These mind games are very unhealthy for my mental well being because when I snap, I will be pulling everything else down with me. Not sure if that would be the worst scenario but nonetheless, it’s gonna get pretty ugly.

Strange issues are surfacing from out of nowhere faster than I can say “STOP!” and sadly, none of these issues are within my limited control. I have always been pleasant but defensive to prevent any negative elements from flooding me ultimately influencing my vibrant nature but very seldom, on really rare occasions, I do snap at times since I am still a mere mortal like everyone else.

Yesterday I strained another relationship between my company and me due to tax issues. Being a foreigner in Japan, I sort of expected that the company which had hired me, to try to be as helpful as possible with regards to certain issues which most foreigners are usually ignorant of. Seems like my company did the very least and left me out in the vast ocean to fend for myself. Each time a sudden unexpected event take form from nothing, my company or rather, the pathetic Boss, herself would usually tell me to shrug them off as redundant issues which these very issues will then come back and unleashed with 2 to 3 times multiplier of force to inflict massive damage on me. If a useless Boss can’t get these issues related to hiring a foreigner right, then I really see no incentive for the company to proceed rather than milking money off any unfortunate foreigner.

I am outright pissed to the point that “someone needs to pay a visit to the local morgue scenario” occasionally flashes in my head. This time round, the Residence Tax came in a huge accumulative lump sum again out of no where and my Boss told me in a relatively relax manner, “Oh that’s your personal tax so I can’t help you with anything and you have to go settle it by yourself.” While it may be my personal tax issues, perhaps letting me know a little earlier would definitely have helped me budget for it and not be caught in a dead lock like a vigilante trying to escape the Japanese Tax system. So I inquired further from the staffs in the City Office about any other hidden tax that I should have known and in the end, I found out that the “Income Tax” being taken out of my paycheck every month for the past 2 to 3 years were not being paid to the respective tax offices. On top of that I had to pay a cumulative 1 year of “Income Tax” back in October to get my working VISA renewed.

Now I was left wondering, why the hell am I paying the same “Income Tax” 2 times? Is it that my company is feeding off my paycheck thru tax evasion or is there something more? Given the shady nature of how my Boss would try to spin a credible tale each time I try to question her on sensitive issues like this, she would then give me the “I-have-done-so-much-for-you-why-are-you-such-an-ungrateful-asshole” drama mama to walk out of a potential war zone unscathed, I could envision that something was indeed amiss. I was and have always been the take-it-easy-laid-back kind of gentleman to back out and give her the benefit of doubt but this time I was clearly fuming mad. Questioned her I had tried and once again like an old sly vixen, she gave me all that “It’s very complicated and I can’t explain it to you.” answer. So with bits and pieces of vague information from here and there, I came to an inconclusive but comprehendible assumption that she had been taking me for a joy ride, feeding of my ignorant nature.

I stormed into the office and kicked up a huge fuss declaring that this entire saga to be laid out in detail on the table. I demanded to know EVERYTHING and I ain’t letting anything rest till I get the truth. She gave me a very surprised expression clearly to mock my rage as if there was no tension at all and tried again to flee by giving me kiddy reasons. A 9mm would have been rather useful in situations like this to get my point across but she soon realized that the position she was in was extremely dangerous. I told her it was either here where she could take her chances or the next time where she could be potentially speaking to my lawyer. She proceeded with caution and with the help of another fellow colleague whom I had discussed this saga prior, I came to “see” the bigger picture. Though it was quite simply a simple case of misunderstanding, I wasn’t the least remorseful for baring my aging fangs at her because it was HER pretentious sick façade that caused this entire saga. If only she tried to explain everything in detail all these while, none of this unpleasant dirty linen would surface.

Income Tax taken out from the monthly salary is only a FORECASTED Income Tax and the Income Tax which foreigners working in Japan have to file in March annually actually reflects the ACTUAL Income Tax. Then the difference between the ACTUAL and the FORECASTED Income Tax have to be paid in FULL when we file the taxes in March before any working VISAs can be renewed.

In just a short span of 1 day, I lost all motivation, all inspiration and all respect for my job. In my head these very phrases loop like a CD track, “50 years ago, you guys sucked and 50 years down the road, you guys still suck. Looking at the way your systems works, you guys will continue to suck which makes your uniqueness internationally popular. The very preachers suck at what they do and yet they can continue to preach their craft to the new generations, how ironic.” And with that I take it as a routine job to keep the funds coming in to fuel my passion for other areas of interests. Not worth even trying to improve the situation since they are so prone to last minute changes that expect me to weave magic. “Sorry, can’t do” will be my line while they go figure out how to waste my time further.

With this much angst going on in a short span of 1 month, I doubt any typical man in the street will be able to keep up and remain calm. Then my mum called my cellphone which I utterly detested since I would see it as an emergency. Just because I did not go online for 2 days and my phone started ringing with calls from SG really really annoys me. If I want to be left alone, just stay away and not incur my wrath because I do have my patience as well. Eventhough all these while I had and will try to play the smiley good kid coming home with no worries, no problems and no issues, the real deal have long been sought with friends of my inner circle. Since my family like the false façade of a happy, no problem, ideal family atmosphere, I have come to terms with my acting talent to put on a clown mask each time I stepped into my house. Sadly till now, no one actually sees that one of the reason for me to be here was to escape that artificial life I had.

And to top the perfect icing on the cake, news of relatives, families, familiar faces going thru similar life crisis pierced my ears. Some were not even 21 and some are over 50s and yet they had to be put thru such messy situations because of parents, peer pressures, personal commitment, what ever the reason maybe. One is lying in the hospital with a weak heart that may stop anytime, one is in a far away land like myself going thru depression, one freaks out the parents and needs professional medical attention, one joins the ranks of the family to drive an extremely precious family treasure to an early grave, one puts monetary weight over everyone else, one is seen like an outsider, and the rest just strain relationships. The way I see it, when the main supporting pillar for nearly 3 generations collapse, there will be no more ties, bonds, relationships whatsoever…and once again history will repeat itself right before my very eyes.

As much as I would like to be sympathetic, I choose to adopt a neutral stance and see everything fall apart and move on from there. When novelty wears off and the same scene repeat itself over a long period of time, I don’t think I will find any more entertainment value to it. Like Lennon had sung, “Let it be…”

Late in the night, I was grateful that you lent a listening ear though I would have been fine by myself but then you asked, “Would you have care?” and I answered, “Why should I?”, the reasons were very simple.

Even if I did care, nothing would have changed anyway, you will still make your decisions and I will still chase my dreams. You do what you want and I do what I love. You want more but I have only this much. You seek certainty and status but I look forward into the future and find them. Dreams keep me alive and without it, I am nothing and decisions keep you alive since you don’t live for anyone or anything else. Even if I did say no, would you be foolish enuff to do as I tell you only to blame an insignificant future. Even if I did tell you that the future you seek may not come would you still be willing to waste your precious youth? You paint it like I am the one influencing everything when I stayed the same and never left which you did in both occasions. Anyway I am just really grateful for last night, really because no one else knew what exactly was going on.

With so much reasons floating around, and in case you still don’t see what I am hinting at, then might as well let me say more. Everyone has their lives in their hands and everyone will be the sole master of their destiny since they are ultimately the ones who make important decisions that will alter the course of their lives. Someday when someone sees the same dream, the same vision, the same destiny, the reason of my existence, the inspiration that lights my life and tells me that all these are not what they see, but yet they are willing to walk with me into the future, that might just be…

Rants aside, with the migration of a new server, all systems, internet and local area network are down this morning and will probably dragged till an indefinite tomorrow. I am stuck with only one productive class for an entire day when I see how much the internet has become a part of my daily necessity. Interestingly I have not watched TV or read a newspaper for the past 3 years. Luckily MS Word still works as a standalone and I can feed all these fleeting rage into visible medium before they die out inside my head.