- Never Stop Dreaming -
Over the weekend, some strange things happened and though I tried to interpret what the hell just happened, I couldn't even scrape the the shavings off the sides.
What started out as an ordinary Saturday evening with some concept photography going on at a rather spectacular rocket place, things took a sour end towards the dawn of Sunday morning. After the photography session, I headed to a party with a friend, a fellow photographer enthusiast. The theme of the party would send most guys losing rational logical reasoning due to it's erotic nature, but sadly, I wasn't impressed.
The venue where the party would be held was definitely commendable where the dim lights, the arrangement of the furniture and the ambience blended in perfectly to resemble a neat club type of theme. One of the better grounds I would visit again since the rest were simply shady, crammed and smog filled. 2 portable but sturdily positioned steel poles were in placed cordoned off by chain barriers. The theme for the night or rather the main attraction of this party was, pole dancing. As the hordes of crowds roll in, mostly pathetic males with pea sized brains, I began to "study" the place, the people, etc like a potential psychopath. Unfortunately, only a small fraction, rather, like only less than 5 of the female "population" there cleared my strigent criteria for lens food. I brought both film and digital for the event not for the fanciful pole dancing but more for the candid crowd shots.
Alas, as the night went on, the show soon started with 4 scantily clad ladies from Tokyo to appease the crowd. I took a little while to appreciate the huge contrast in the reactions of the males from the females, much to my expectations, I was right on. Except the bartenders, the DJs dishing out some really good tunes, majority of the guys were completely smittened by the sex appeal of those ladies. The female form in the least amount of legally acceptable modesty paraded and then slithered on the cold steel poles defying gravity. Out of the 4 ladies, at least for me, only 1 had a good sex appeal not because of the skimpy undergarments but because of the way she moves and how she perfectly excuted a "ceiling walk" that the rest did not. I did enjoy the show since these ladies were awesome in pulling off some incredible moves. Not only did they opened my vision to pole dancing, I have so much more respect to the art itself than the typical erotic nature. *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* Nothing like I have seen back home in SG.
In between the little pockets of dancing, I would glance around to observe the candid crowd. Then I spotted a presumably "pro" photographer with his twin Nikon setups with flash. Not sure if it was coincidence, the bespectacled, slightly plump middled aged man going thru life crisis type of greasy bloke in the bad fashion sense seems to be THE kinda photographer that I see at events where hot ladies in skimpy clothes were concerned. Dang...I was beginning to wonder if photography as a job would put me along the same lines with him in years ahead. Shit ass scary even thinking about it. While I was concentraing to frame the exotic dances in an artistic way, peeking into this particular "pro's" LCD showed a different perspective, the kind that only featured strategic bits of the female form in adult publications. I shook my head in disgust and thought, "Where are the superior intellectually challenged species where I can share a good piece of conversation?"
With all that action coming to and end for the 1st round, with round 2 and 3 later into the young morning of Sunday, I took a little breather outside at the parking lot. I looked up and admired the still of the night and saw 2 shooting stars within 30 seconds apart. I really wondered what that really meant...a sign from God waiting to be deciphered? It was here where I found a friend of mine and someone whom had been introduced to me earlier discussing some intense issues. Friend H was drunk and was gonna head back home in a "Daiko", H was worried about K who was also apparently drunk so H "entrusted" K in my care. I wasn't sure what to do since I only met K like an hour ago thru H. So I seeked the help of an aquaintance, KC. While the 3 of us were discussing what to do with K who was badly intoxicated with alcohol, no one bothered K who was shivering in the parking lot. It was freezing out there like a good 2 to 3 degrees but no one offered a jacket or lifted a finger to K who was only in a thin business jacket with no insulation whatsoever. I went back to my car, grabbed my 1 and only winter jacket and offered it to K whom had no idea what was going on. H took off so KC and I were disussing what to do with K. Since H left K in my trust before taking off and I asked KC to help out, KC took K into K's car and told me to wait. I barely know KC but what seems like K was clearly "ok" talking to KC, I told KC that I would go back into the party to wait since it was freezing cold outside. I SPECIFICALLY told him to inform me if he decides to move out since H left K in my care, I deemed responsible for it.
When I came back out into the carpark lot some 15 minutes later, K's car was gone, presumably with K and KC in it! "FUCKED!" I said as the situation was now becoming rather tense. Firstly, K had my jacket presumably with my house keys in it though it was my fault for being nice and offering my jacket without checking. Second, K was very intoxicated and I barely know KC. "Oh boy this is getting bad" I thought as I filled my fist with rage ready to strike KC for ignoring my specifically simple instructions. If something bad were to happen, I really don't know how to explain to H who entrusted me with such a simple task and yet I screwed it up. I called KC and the line went thru but was clearly cut deliberately halfway. Then the phone was off and I couldn't get thru...I was desperate and I went to seek others who might know K's no. They called and the phone was again off...I began to panic and feared the worst as the trust for KC's aquaintance began to crumble like tumbling blocks.
Together with 2 other fellow friends, we waited and called them on irregular intervals, poked around others who where sleeping in their beds 2am in the morning for information but to no avail. Though not violent by nature, I could feel my tolerance vanishing and angst boiling. In the end after like 90 minutes had passed, I took off in my car afraid that I would really rain punches on KC. I was back outside my house and THANK GOD I had my house key in the car instead of the jacket but still I was raging like a demon. 4am in the morning, KC called me and apologized for what had happened. He said K was feeling bad and he took K for a drive and had off the phone since it was late and he was discussing some pretty serious issues with K. Like I cared anyway but they were back at the parking lot with my jacket. Not to mess the shitty situation any further, I opted to meet KC the next day for my jacket. Then K called me and apologised for everything but seeing that K was fine and everything was just my wild imagination, I chose to let everything rest despite still being pissed.
Shooting stars, misunderstandings, angst, apologies, etc...with 2009 coming to an end, what exactly is the universe or God trying to relate? I am not a prophet so what does all these really mean? A test? An omen? WHAT?!
Have been plagued by misfortunes recently, both me and people around me...does it really mean that if I do not die in a misfortune, I will be very lucky? I doubt so in such superstitions...I look forward to a new beginning, a new dawn, a new direction...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Destiny in a white envelope
- Never Stop Dreaming -
A while ago, I did some demo class and because of some screw ups, I actually did 2 on the same day back to back with only 15 minutes grace between them. Surprisingly to many other Japanese and English teachers and distinguished guests who came that day, most marveled and were impressed by the classess. Even the most respected professor commented that that was probably the best demo class he has ever seen. I really beg to differ since my views were completely different.
Honestly, I felt that it was pretty much like a regular class except with a little more content. There were no rehearsal before hand and that the class went on like a usual class. The fact that many people were surprised was that the English level of the students were in fact far greater than the those of other schools. And now many others want to replicate the demo class.
So here's the real deal.
It takes years and crucial bonding with the students to get to such a level. Jumping straight into it would be a definite failure from the start. Demo class are meant to be a learning experience so replicating it a 100% is ridiculous. One have to digest a good influence, understand it completely and then tailor it to suit the specific needs of their own class. Throwing back 100% to the students without understanding the concept and the gist of an otherwise great demo class is clearly an insult to the class itself. Everyone is different so specially tailored classes are the only way to yield results. Yes, being impressed and wanting to do like wise is a healthy step forward but crucial planning is equally essential as well to incorporate the essence than blindly copying.
Sadly, I have since lost a relatively huge chunk of that once vibrant teaching spirit. I have seen and experience enough to conclude that only those willing to improve will. Each time a rebellious or defiant kid wrecks havoc, each time an introvert, unpopular kid rejects the lessons, the Japanese teachers will feed me with reasons like "Oh, he has family problems...", "Oh, her parents are divorce...", "Oh he has some mental problems..." which of course are all valid reasons. I do not wish to know and have absolutely no interest or whatsoever in these reasons and I really do not give a damn. I want to know what can be done, I want to know a solution and I want to know how can things change. Knowing these valid but redundant reasons not only waste my precious time, nothing's gonna change anyway. If there are indeed problems, go seek proper medical attention or consult a psychiatrist which I am none of the above.
Japanese teachers are either too soft and give too many reaons to get crucial things done or too extreme and let their fists do most reasoning. Either way are equally bad to kids who are maturing from 6 to 12. This crucial period will determine their aggression when they hit adolescence years. Besides that, they have no incentive to study since all the kids graduate whether they pass or fail the tests. I tried but in the end, like MJ, I have to throw in the white towel and say, "This is it!". I am most willing to forsake the numerous holidays, decent paycheck to pitch my wares elsewhere where there are more meaningful reasons to continue a job. In private English schools, people pay good money because they really want to learn whereas in public schools, I have to entertain those who really want to learn/study and those who are just there to waste their youth, time, energy and be a nusiance to the rest.
Even as a wedding photographer, I see myself rendering a service to one of the oldest rituals in the passage of lives to preserve the unison of a couple into eternity. Indeed meaningful but not as noble as saving lives like a doctor yet still much better than donning a clown suit and entertaining pesky kids. I do love kids and would really want to impart to them a skill which have been lacking in many of their species but the environment and the system is stubborn, unforgiving and laughable.
With that, I put together my most decent set of pictures into a disc, together with my resume I sent them in a white envelope to an unknown address in Tokyo. The contents in the envelope is my destiny which I can only pray and hope for the best for now. 2010 is a brand new start for me and hopefully I can have a brand new direction to advance...
A while ago, I did some demo class and because of some screw ups, I actually did 2 on the same day back to back with only 15 minutes grace between them. Surprisingly to many other Japanese and English teachers and distinguished guests who came that day, most marveled and were impressed by the classess. Even the most respected professor commented that that was probably the best demo class he has ever seen. I really beg to differ since my views were completely different.
Honestly, I felt that it was pretty much like a regular class except with a little more content. There were no rehearsal before hand and that the class went on like a usual class. The fact that many people were surprised was that the English level of the students were in fact far greater than the those of other schools. And now many others want to replicate the demo class.
So here's the real deal.
It takes years and crucial bonding with the students to get to such a level. Jumping straight into it would be a definite failure from the start. Demo class are meant to be a learning experience so replicating it a 100% is ridiculous. One have to digest a good influence, understand it completely and then tailor it to suit the specific needs of their own class. Throwing back 100% to the students without understanding the concept and the gist of an otherwise great demo class is clearly an insult to the class itself. Everyone is different so specially tailored classes are the only way to yield results. Yes, being impressed and wanting to do like wise is a healthy step forward but crucial planning is equally essential as well to incorporate the essence than blindly copying.
Sadly, I have since lost a relatively huge chunk of that once vibrant teaching spirit. I have seen and experience enough to conclude that only those willing to improve will. Each time a rebellious or defiant kid wrecks havoc, each time an introvert, unpopular kid rejects the lessons, the Japanese teachers will feed me with reasons like "Oh, he has family problems...", "Oh, her parents are divorce...", "Oh he has some mental problems..." which of course are all valid reasons. I do not wish to know and have absolutely no interest or whatsoever in these reasons and I really do not give a damn. I want to know what can be done, I want to know a solution and I want to know how can things change. Knowing these valid but redundant reasons not only waste my precious time, nothing's gonna change anyway. If there are indeed problems, go seek proper medical attention or consult a psychiatrist which I am none of the above.
Japanese teachers are either too soft and give too many reaons to get crucial things done or too extreme and let their fists do most reasoning. Either way are equally bad to kids who are maturing from 6 to 12. This crucial period will determine their aggression when they hit adolescence years. Besides that, they have no incentive to study since all the kids graduate whether they pass or fail the tests. I tried but in the end, like MJ, I have to throw in the white towel and say, "This is it!". I am most willing to forsake the numerous holidays, decent paycheck to pitch my wares elsewhere where there are more meaningful reasons to continue a job. In private English schools, people pay good money because they really want to learn whereas in public schools, I have to entertain those who really want to learn/study and those who are just there to waste their youth, time, energy and be a nusiance to the rest.
Even as a wedding photographer, I see myself rendering a service to one of the oldest rituals in the passage of lives to preserve the unison of a couple into eternity. Indeed meaningful but not as noble as saving lives like a doctor yet still much better than donning a clown suit and entertaining pesky kids. I do love kids and would really want to impart to them a skill which have been lacking in many of their species but the environment and the system is stubborn, unforgiving and laughable.
With that, I put together my most decent set of pictures into a disc, together with my resume I sent them in a white envelope to an unknown address in Tokyo. The contents in the envelope is my destiny which I can only pray and hope for the best for now. 2010 is a brand new start for me and hopefully I can have a brand new direction to advance...
Friday, December 4, 2009
- Never Stop Dreaming -
I realized that I haven't been putting up pictures on my site for a while, instead there are more wordy rants than anything else so here are some of the missing stuffs.
She had the height, the look and the vibe so I asked her to be my lens food and she agreed. She was A, my friend. The lighting was perfect, the colors were perfect, the back drop was perfect and the entire photoshoot went smoothly. In the end, I didn't even bothered to fiddle much with post processing since everything that came outta of the RAW files were splendid. 1 camera and a single 35mm lens was all that did the magic.
While slowing moving into the miraculous depths of B/W photography, I thought it might be better to fiddle with some digital B/W to get adjusted to the absence of the colorful spectrum. Some strobes were used and a lot of try and error since I am doing the entire shoot of myself by myself. Numerous shots were taken of course since flash memory was of no cost compared to films but despite all that, only a handful of usable ones were yielded from the attempt.
I realized that I haven't been putting up pictures on my site for a while, instead there are more wordy rants than anything else so here are some of the missing stuffs.
She had the height, the look and the vibe so I asked her to be my lens food and she agreed. She was A, my friend. The lighting was perfect, the colors were perfect, the back drop was perfect and the entire photoshoot went smoothly. In the end, I didn't even bothered to fiddle much with post processing since everything that came outta of the RAW files were splendid. 1 camera and a single 35mm lens was all that did the magic.
While slowing moving into the miraculous depths of B/W photography, I thought it might be better to fiddle with some digital B/W to get adjusted to the absence of the colorful spectrum. Some strobes were used and a lot of try and error since I am doing the entire shoot of myself by myself. Numerous shots were taken of course since flash memory was of no cost compared to films but despite all that, only a handful of usable ones were yielded from the attempt.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Rage against the dying light of my sanity
- Never Stop Dreaming -
Is this a sign, an indication, a calling, a revelation or simply an omen…I really seek to know the truth if there is a greater being out there. I don’t need your assurance when others would lament where’s the faith but if any omnipotent superior celestial form do exists, shed some light to all these series of unfortunate events and many more to come. These mind games are very unhealthy for my mental well being because when I snap, I will be pulling everything else down with me. Not sure if that would be the worst scenario but nonetheless, it’s gonna get pretty ugly.
Strange issues are surfacing from out of nowhere faster than I can say “STOP!” and sadly, none of these issues are within my limited control. I have always been pleasant but defensive to prevent any negative elements from flooding me ultimately influencing my vibrant nature but very seldom, on really rare occasions, I do snap at times since I am still a mere mortal like everyone else.
Yesterday I strained another relationship between my company and me due to tax issues. Being a foreigner in Japan, I sort of expected that the company which had hired me, to try to be as helpful as possible with regards to certain issues which most foreigners are usually ignorant of. Seems like my company did the very least and left me out in the vast ocean to fend for myself. Each time a sudden unexpected event take form from nothing, my company or rather, the pathetic Boss, herself would usually tell me to shrug them off as redundant issues which these very issues will then come back and unleashed with 2 to 3 times multiplier of force to inflict massive damage on me. If a useless Boss can’t get these issues related to hiring a foreigner right, then I really see no incentive for the company to proceed rather than milking money off any unfortunate foreigner.
I am outright pissed to the point that “someone needs to pay a visit to the local morgue scenario” occasionally flashes in my head. This time round, the Residence Tax came in a huge accumulative lump sum again out of no where and my Boss told me in a relatively relax manner, “Oh that’s your personal tax so I can’t help you with anything and you have to go settle it by yourself.” While it may be my personal tax issues, perhaps letting me know a little earlier would definitely have helped me budget for it and not be caught in a dead lock like a vigilante trying to escape the Japanese Tax system. So I inquired further from the staffs in the City Office about any other hidden tax that I should have known and in the end, I found out that the “Income Tax” being taken out of my paycheck every month for the past 2 to 3 years were not being paid to the respective tax offices. On top of that I had to pay a cumulative 1 year of “Income Tax” back in October to get my working VISA renewed.
Now I was left wondering, why the hell am I paying the same “Income Tax” 2 times? Is it that my company is feeding off my paycheck thru tax evasion or is there something more? Given the shady nature of how my Boss would try to spin a credible tale each time I try to question her on sensitive issues like this, she would then give me the “I-have-done-so-much-for-you-why-are-you-such-an-ungrateful-asshole” drama mama to walk out of a potential war zone unscathed, I could envision that something was indeed amiss. I was and have always been the take-it-easy-laid-back kind of gentleman to back out and give her the benefit of doubt but this time I was clearly fuming mad. Questioned her I had tried and once again like an old sly vixen, she gave me all that “It’s very complicated and I can’t explain it to you.” answer. So with bits and pieces of vague information from here and there, I came to an inconclusive but comprehendible assumption that she had been taking me for a joy ride, feeding of my ignorant nature.
I stormed into the office and kicked up a huge fuss declaring that this entire saga to be laid out in detail on the table. I demanded to know EVERYTHING and I ain’t letting anything rest till I get the truth. She gave me a very surprised expression clearly to mock my rage as if there was no tension at all and tried again to flee by giving me kiddy reasons. A 9mm would have been rather useful in situations like this to get my point across but she soon realized that the position she was in was extremely dangerous. I told her it was either here where she could take her chances or the next time where she could be potentially speaking to my lawyer. She proceeded with caution and with the help of another fellow colleague whom I had discussed this saga prior, I came to “see” the bigger picture. Though it was quite simply a simple case of misunderstanding, I wasn’t the least remorseful for baring my aging fangs at her because it was HER pretentious sick façade that caused this entire saga. If only she tried to explain everything in detail all these while, none of this unpleasant dirty linen would surface.
Income Tax taken out from the monthly salary is only a FORECASTED Income Tax and the Income Tax which foreigners working in Japan have to file in March annually actually reflects the ACTUAL Income Tax. Then the difference between the ACTUAL and the FORECASTED Income Tax have to be paid in FULL when we file the taxes in March before any working VISAs can be renewed.
In just a short span of 1 day, I lost all motivation, all inspiration and all respect for my job. In my head these very phrases loop like a CD track, “50 years ago, you guys sucked and 50 years down the road, you guys still suck. Looking at the way your systems works, you guys will continue to suck which makes your uniqueness internationally popular. The very preachers suck at what they do and yet they can continue to preach their craft to the new generations, how ironic.” And with that I take it as a routine job to keep the funds coming in to fuel my passion for other areas of interests. Not worth even trying to improve the situation since they are so prone to last minute changes that expect me to weave magic. “Sorry, can’t do” will be my line while they go figure out how to waste my time further.
With this much angst going on in a short span of 1 month, I doubt any typical man in the street will be able to keep up and remain calm. Then my mum called my cellphone which I utterly detested since I would see it as an emergency. Just because I did not go online for 2 days and my phone started ringing with calls from SG really really annoys me. If I want to be left alone, just stay away and not incur my wrath because I do have my patience as well. Eventhough all these while I had and will try to play the smiley good kid coming home with no worries, no problems and no issues, the real deal have long been sought with friends of my inner circle. Since my family like the false façade of a happy, no problem, ideal family atmosphere, I have come to terms with my acting talent to put on a clown mask each time I stepped into my house. Sadly till now, no one actually sees that one of the reason for me to be here was to escape that artificial life I had.
And to top the perfect icing on the cake, news of relatives, families, familiar faces going thru similar life crisis pierced my ears. Some were not even 21 and some are over 50s and yet they had to be put thru such messy situations because of parents, peer pressures, personal commitment, what ever the reason maybe. One is lying in the hospital with a weak heart that may stop anytime, one is in a far away land like myself going thru depression, one freaks out the parents and needs professional medical attention, one joins the ranks of the family to drive an extremely precious family treasure to an early grave, one puts monetary weight over everyone else, one is seen like an outsider, and the rest just strain relationships. The way I see it, when the main supporting pillar for nearly 3 generations collapse, there will be no more ties, bonds, relationships whatsoever…and once again history will repeat itself right before my very eyes.
As much as I would like to be sympathetic, I choose to adopt a neutral stance and see everything fall apart and move on from there. When novelty wears off and the same scene repeat itself over a long period of time, I don’t think I will find any more entertainment value to it. Like Lennon had sung, “Let it be…”
Late in the night, I was grateful that you lent a listening ear though I would have been fine by myself but then you asked, “Would you have care?” and I answered, “Why should I?”, the reasons were very simple.
Even if I did care, nothing would have changed anyway, you will still make your decisions and I will still chase my dreams. You do what you want and I do what I love. You want more but I have only this much. You seek certainty and status but I look forward into the future and find them. Dreams keep me alive and without it, I am nothing and decisions keep you alive since you don’t live for anyone or anything else. Even if I did say no, would you be foolish enuff to do as I tell you only to blame an insignificant future. Even if I did tell you that the future you seek may not come would you still be willing to waste your precious youth? You paint it like I am the one influencing everything when I stayed the same and never left which you did in both occasions. Anyway I am just really grateful for last night, really because no one else knew what exactly was going on.
With so much reasons floating around, and in case you still don’t see what I am hinting at, then might as well let me say more. Everyone has their lives in their hands and everyone will be the sole master of their destiny since they are ultimately the ones who make important decisions that will alter the course of their lives. Someday when someone sees the same dream, the same vision, the same destiny, the reason of my existence, the inspiration that lights my life and tells me that all these are not what they see, but yet they are willing to walk with me into the future, that might just be…
Rants aside, with the migration of a new server, all systems, internet and local area network are down this morning and will probably dragged till an indefinite tomorrow. I am stuck with only one productive class for an entire day when I see how much the internet has become a part of my daily necessity. Interestingly I have not watched TV or read a newspaper for the past 3 years. Luckily MS Word still works as a standalone and I can feed all these fleeting rage into visible medium before they die out inside my head.
Is this a sign, an indication, a calling, a revelation or simply an omen…I really seek to know the truth if there is a greater being out there. I don’t need your assurance when others would lament where’s the faith but if any omnipotent superior celestial form do exists, shed some light to all these series of unfortunate events and many more to come. These mind games are very unhealthy for my mental well being because when I snap, I will be pulling everything else down with me. Not sure if that would be the worst scenario but nonetheless, it’s gonna get pretty ugly.
Strange issues are surfacing from out of nowhere faster than I can say “STOP!” and sadly, none of these issues are within my limited control. I have always been pleasant but defensive to prevent any negative elements from flooding me ultimately influencing my vibrant nature but very seldom, on really rare occasions, I do snap at times since I am still a mere mortal like everyone else.
Yesterday I strained another relationship between my company and me due to tax issues. Being a foreigner in Japan, I sort of expected that the company which had hired me, to try to be as helpful as possible with regards to certain issues which most foreigners are usually ignorant of. Seems like my company did the very least and left me out in the vast ocean to fend for myself. Each time a sudden unexpected event take form from nothing, my company or rather, the pathetic Boss, herself would usually tell me to shrug them off as redundant issues which these very issues will then come back and unleashed with 2 to 3 times multiplier of force to inflict massive damage on me. If a useless Boss can’t get these issues related to hiring a foreigner right, then I really see no incentive for the company to proceed rather than milking money off any unfortunate foreigner.
I am outright pissed to the point that “someone needs to pay a visit to the local morgue scenario” occasionally flashes in my head. This time round, the Residence Tax came in a huge accumulative lump sum again out of no where and my Boss told me in a relatively relax manner, “Oh that’s your personal tax so I can’t help you with anything and you have to go settle it by yourself.” While it may be my personal tax issues, perhaps letting me know a little earlier would definitely have helped me budget for it and not be caught in a dead lock like a vigilante trying to escape the Japanese Tax system. So I inquired further from the staffs in the City Office about any other hidden tax that I should have known and in the end, I found out that the “Income Tax” being taken out of my paycheck every month for the past 2 to 3 years were not being paid to the respective tax offices. On top of that I had to pay a cumulative 1 year of “Income Tax” back in October to get my working VISA renewed.
Now I was left wondering, why the hell am I paying the same “Income Tax” 2 times? Is it that my company is feeding off my paycheck thru tax evasion or is there something more? Given the shady nature of how my Boss would try to spin a credible tale each time I try to question her on sensitive issues like this, she would then give me the “I-have-done-so-much-for-you-why-are-you-such-an-ungrateful-asshole” drama mama to walk out of a potential war zone unscathed, I could envision that something was indeed amiss. I was and have always been the take-it-easy-laid-back kind of gentleman to back out and give her the benefit of doubt but this time I was clearly fuming mad. Questioned her I had tried and once again like an old sly vixen, she gave me all that “It’s very complicated and I can’t explain it to you.” answer. So with bits and pieces of vague information from here and there, I came to an inconclusive but comprehendible assumption that she had been taking me for a joy ride, feeding of my ignorant nature.
I stormed into the office and kicked up a huge fuss declaring that this entire saga to be laid out in detail on the table. I demanded to know EVERYTHING and I ain’t letting anything rest till I get the truth. She gave me a very surprised expression clearly to mock my rage as if there was no tension at all and tried again to flee by giving me kiddy reasons. A 9mm would have been rather useful in situations like this to get my point across but she soon realized that the position she was in was extremely dangerous. I told her it was either here where she could take her chances or the next time where she could be potentially speaking to my lawyer. She proceeded with caution and with the help of another fellow colleague whom I had discussed this saga prior, I came to “see” the bigger picture. Though it was quite simply a simple case of misunderstanding, I wasn’t the least remorseful for baring my aging fangs at her because it was HER pretentious sick façade that caused this entire saga. If only she tried to explain everything in detail all these while, none of this unpleasant dirty linen would surface.
Income Tax taken out from the monthly salary is only a FORECASTED Income Tax and the Income Tax which foreigners working in Japan have to file in March annually actually reflects the ACTUAL Income Tax. Then the difference between the ACTUAL and the FORECASTED Income Tax have to be paid in FULL when we file the taxes in March before any working VISAs can be renewed.
In just a short span of 1 day, I lost all motivation, all inspiration and all respect for my job. In my head these very phrases loop like a CD track, “50 years ago, you guys sucked and 50 years down the road, you guys still suck. Looking at the way your systems works, you guys will continue to suck which makes your uniqueness internationally popular. The very preachers suck at what they do and yet they can continue to preach their craft to the new generations, how ironic.” And with that I take it as a routine job to keep the funds coming in to fuel my passion for other areas of interests. Not worth even trying to improve the situation since they are so prone to last minute changes that expect me to weave magic. “Sorry, can’t do” will be my line while they go figure out how to waste my time further.
With this much angst going on in a short span of 1 month, I doubt any typical man in the street will be able to keep up and remain calm. Then my mum called my cellphone which I utterly detested since I would see it as an emergency. Just because I did not go online for 2 days and my phone started ringing with calls from SG really really annoys me. If I want to be left alone, just stay away and not incur my wrath because I do have my patience as well. Eventhough all these while I had and will try to play the smiley good kid coming home with no worries, no problems and no issues, the real deal have long been sought with friends of my inner circle. Since my family like the false façade of a happy, no problem, ideal family atmosphere, I have come to terms with my acting talent to put on a clown mask each time I stepped into my house. Sadly till now, no one actually sees that one of the reason for me to be here was to escape that artificial life I had.
And to top the perfect icing on the cake, news of relatives, families, familiar faces going thru similar life crisis pierced my ears. Some were not even 21 and some are over 50s and yet they had to be put thru such messy situations because of parents, peer pressures, personal commitment, what ever the reason maybe. One is lying in the hospital with a weak heart that may stop anytime, one is in a far away land like myself going thru depression, one freaks out the parents and needs professional medical attention, one joins the ranks of the family to drive an extremely precious family treasure to an early grave, one puts monetary weight over everyone else, one is seen like an outsider, and the rest just strain relationships. The way I see it, when the main supporting pillar for nearly 3 generations collapse, there will be no more ties, bonds, relationships whatsoever…and once again history will repeat itself right before my very eyes.
As much as I would like to be sympathetic, I choose to adopt a neutral stance and see everything fall apart and move on from there. When novelty wears off and the same scene repeat itself over a long period of time, I don’t think I will find any more entertainment value to it. Like Lennon had sung, “Let it be…”
Late in the night, I was grateful that you lent a listening ear though I would have been fine by myself but then you asked, “Would you have care?” and I answered, “Why should I?”, the reasons were very simple.
Even if I did care, nothing would have changed anyway, you will still make your decisions and I will still chase my dreams. You do what you want and I do what I love. You want more but I have only this much. You seek certainty and status but I look forward into the future and find them. Dreams keep me alive and without it, I am nothing and decisions keep you alive since you don’t live for anyone or anything else. Even if I did say no, would you be foolish enuff to do as I tell you only to blame an insignificant future. Even if I did tell you that the future you seek may not come would you still be willing to waste your precious youth? You paint it like I am the one influencing everything when I stayed the same and never left which you did in both occasions. Anyway I am just really grateful for last night, really because no one else knew what exactly was going on.
With so much reasons floating around, and in case you still don’t see what I am hinting at, then might as well let me say more. Everyone has their lives in their hands and everyone will be the sole master of their destiny since they are ultimately the ones who make important decisions that will alter the course of their lives. Someday when someone sees the same dream, the same vision, the same destiny, the reason of my existence, the inspiration that lights my life and tells me that all these are not what they see, but yet they are willing to walk with me into the future, that might just be…
Rants aside, with the migration of a new server, all systems, internet and local area network are down this morning and will probably dragged till an indefinite tomorrow. I am stuck with only one productive class for an entire day when I see how much the internet has become a part of my daily necessity. Interestingly I have not watched TV or read a newspaper for the past 3 years. Luckily MS Word still works as a standalone and I can feed all these fleeting rage into visible medium before they die out inside my head.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thin ice sheets...
- Never Stop Dreaming -
As winter approaches, I embraced the chilly winds kissing my face in the mornings for a third year straight hoping to wake up with some warmth beside but still no magic so far. Perhaps the place might be the problem, perhaps it's just me creating the problem or is it a calling, an omen, a sign for me to seek greener pastures? At this point, I really want to rule out the option of giving up all that I had built so far, pack my stuffs and live a life like most back home. I am reluctant really but too bad some people will never be able to see the same dream as me. Sometimes I really wonder why can't most people around me see that a dream, an inspiration or to lead a different life is what I really want? If I can't dream and pursue it, what's the main purpose of existence itself? To be given life and to fit into a norm created by someone else, try to fit in, and lead an otherwise ordinary life? That's not what I want and I do fear it...for various reasons.
All that aside, the white magic of winter is still holding back since the last 1 time dusting of the fluffy white stuff. I have waited and I am now so close and yet so far from it. Hopefully it will come soon. Met a couple of new faces but as usual I wasn't very enthusiastic since I know that replies were always ridiculously late or none at all. But on the other hand, I wasn't really interested, no, I would say totally NOT interested whatsoever at all for an age gap of 5 above me. I want but still I have my own expectations to meet and age is one of the very crucial criteria which had not changed since I came to understand complex human relationships.
A while ago, I was gullible despite my age to fall into a nicely set snare and this time I fell into the same one simply because I was kind enuff to get cosy with aquaintences. A moment of wisdom struck me on the last minute and I managed to walk outta of it without losing a huge pile of cash. Luckily for me, I had other options to seek and of course some were much more approachable and friendly than the rest. Not only did I manage to strike a superb deal but to the extend that I would lose ZERO amount of cash in the end instead of a headache and money doing a Houdini stunt. Than I came to realise that I really appreciate those who can offer options and solutions free of greed and personal interest to solve many sudden issues. The rest are simply out to get my money thru explicit means or to promote a loud mouth bigger than their brains.
I see this as a rough patch since not many things are going as smoothly as before and the cold only makes logical analysis impossible. However if, I say again, that is IF everything goes well, I might just be able to walk out of this mess with a good start to an amazing career and probably drive one of my dream cars which would otherwise be impossible in Singapore. However, still not much luck with the right one yet since I am outright irritating and commands a rather high expectation. The only concern is that if I am not careful during this crucial period, the thin sheet of ice that I am planting my foot on might just send me sinking into a deep, bottomless abyss of the cold and yes I am very afraid.
As winter approaches, I embraced the chilly winds kissing my face in the mornings for a third year straight hoping to wake up with some warmth beside but still no magic so far. Perhaps the place might be the problem, perhaps it's just me creating the problem or is it a calling, an omen, a sign for me to seek greener pastures? At this point, I really want to rule out the option of giving up all that I had built so far, pack my stuffs and live a life like most back home. I am reluctant really but too bad some people will never be able to see the same dream as me. Sometimes I really wonder why can't most people around me see that a dream, an inspiration or to lead a different life is what I really want? If I can't dream and pursue it, what's the main purpose of existence itself? To be given life and to fit into a norm created by someone else, try to fit in, and lead an otherwise ordinary life? That's not what I want and I do fear it...for various reasons.
All that aside, the white magic of winter is still holding back since the last 1 time dusting of the fluffy white stuff. I have waited and I am now so close and yet so far from it. Hopefully it will come soon. Met a couple of new faces but as usual I wasn't very enthusiastic since I know that replies were always ridiculously late or none at all. But on the other hand, I wasn't really interested, no, I would say totally NOT interested whatsoever at all for an age gap of 5 above me. I want but still I have my own expectations to meet and age is one of the very crucial criteria which had not changed since I came to understand complex human relationships.
A while ago, I was gullible despite my age to fall into a nicely set snare and this time I fell into the same one simply because I was kind enuff to get cosy with aquaintences. A moment of wisdom struck me on the last minute and I managed to walk outta of it without losing a huge pile of cash. Luckily for me, I had other options to seek and of course some were much more approachable and friendly than the rest. Not only did I manage to strike a superb deal but to the extend that I would lose ZERO amount of cash in the end instead of a headache and money doing a Houdini stunt. Than I came to realise that I really appreciate those who can offer options and solutions free of greed and personal interest to solve many sudden issues. The rest are simply out to get my money thru explicit means or to promote a loud mouth bigger than their brains.
I see this as a rough patch since not many things are going as smoothly as before and the cold only makes logical analysis impossible. However if, I say again, that is IF everything goes well, I might just be able to walk out of this mess with a good start to an amazing career and probably drive one of my dream cars which would otherwise be impossible in Singapore. However, still not much luck with the right one yet since I am outright irritating and commands a rather high expectation. The only concern is that if I am not careful during this crucial period, the thin sheet of ice that I am planting my foot on might just send me sinking into a deep, bottomless abyss of the cold and yes I am very afraid.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
11/22
- Never Stop Dreaming -
11 22 apparently mean 好い夫婦 in Japanese which of course relates to a special wedding date. And on this day, the 22nd day of the 11th month of November, a friend of mine who is a life(r) and not a cloud that just drift by (Japan) tied the nuptial knot. Unlike all other weddings that I had attended, this one would be very different because I am attending it as an official wedding photographer.
While photography is my passion, I was more prepared to try out various techniques and effects and every wedding event propose a training ground for me. Until now, all my pictures taken at weddings were simply crumbs left behind on an empty plate. I do not have any prior experience in wedding photography and comments online had led me to believe that if you are not confident of both yourself or the gear in your hands, do not ever volunteer to be a main wedding photographer even when your best friends, cousins, brother, etc ask you for a favor. Sadly, that was not my case since I shamelessly volunteered to be a slave to his sacred event. Seriously, I wasn't confident of myself and my 1 particular piece of glass but I thought that if I don't make a big leap of faith somewhere, there was no way I could improve and achieve greater heights. And so I set forth and embarked on yet another spectacular journey of my life.
Since this would be my first ever opportunity to mark my debut as an official wedding photographer, I did everything that I could muster and remember days prior to the wedding. Because deep down inside me, I had always marveled at how those pre-wedding pictures taken by other professionals turned out so magically and that very instinct inside me, that silent voice inside me whispered to me that I should take this golden opportunity to weave some magic myself. I did the ground checks, the lighting checks, the location checks, the weather checks, the equipment checks, etc.
All the plannings, and headaches, cash purchase all leads up to the actual day. I was there 30 minutes before the agreed stipulated time just to get adjusted to the enormous responsibility that will befall on me.
As soon as the main subjects turned up, the make up artists, the bride, the groom, the videographer, etc....I donned the mask and the suit to pull off a facade of the man in charge of stills.
The entire event went on pretty smoothly except the staged photoshoot at a nearby temple didn't went as expected. It was supposed to be done before the guests arrive at the lunch reception but instead, due to time constraints, it was pushed to the end and done in a haphazard manner in less than 20 minutes. I knew it would be very difficult to produce satisfactory results eventhough I had a magical temple ground at my disposal. This was my only set back which left me wondering how far is my own limit I can push. I had intended 1 roll of 36 frames B/W 35mm for the entire Temple Photoshoot but I barely utilized more than 10 frames :(
In summary, my maiden wedding went pretty well but very tiring and the most memorable moment was when the Master put on the head gear of faux hair and Miho exclaimed in laughter, "I looked like a Carebear with this head gear".
11 22 apparently mean 好い夫婦 in Japanese which of course relates to a special wedding date. And on this day, the 22nd day of the 11th month of November, a friend of mine who is a life(r) and not a cloud that just drift by (Japan) tied the nuptial knot. Unlike all other weddings that I had attended, this one would be very different because I am attending it as an official wedding photographer.
While photography is my passion, I was more prepared to try out various techniques and effects and every wedding event propose a training ground for me. Until now, all my pictures taken at weddings were simply crumbs left behind on an empty plate. I do not have any prior experience in wedding photography and comments online had led me to believe that if you are not confident of both yourself or the gear in your hands, do not ever volunteer to be a main wedding photographer even when your best friends, cousins, brother, etc ask you for a favor. Sadly, that was not my case since I shamelessly volunteered to be a slave to his sacred event. Seriously, I wasn't confident of myself and my 1 particular piece of glass but I thought that if I don't make a big leap of faith somewhere, there was no way I could improve and achieve greater heights. And so I set forth and embarked on yet another spectacular journey of my life.
Since this would be my first ever opportunity to mark my debut as an official wedding photographer, I did everything that I could muster and remember days prior to the wedding. Because deep down inside me, I had always marveled at how those pre-wedding pictures taken by other professionals turned out so magically and that very instinct inside me, that silent voice inside me whispered to me that I should take this golden opportunity to weave some magic myself. I did the ground checks, the lighting checks, the location checks, the weather checks, the equipment checks, etc.
All the plannings, and headaches, cash purchase all leads up to the actual day. I was there 30 minutes before the agreed stipulated time just to get adjusted to the enormous responsibility that will befall on me.
As soon as the main subjects turned up, the make up artists, the bride, the groom, the videographer, etc....I donned the mask and the suit to pull off a facade of the man in charge of stills.
The entire event went on pretty smoothly except the staged photoshoot at a nearby temple didn't went as expected. It was supposed to be done before the guests arrive at the lunch reception but instead, due to time constraints, it was pushed to the end and done in a haphazard manner in less than 20 minutes. I knew it would be very difficult to produce satisfactory results eventhough I had a magical temple ground at my disposal. This was my only set back which left me wondering how far is my own limit I can push. I had intended 1 roll of 36 frames B/W 35mm for the entire Temple Photoshoot but I barely utilized more than 10 frames :(
In summary, my maiden wedding went pretty well but very tiring and the most memorable moment was when the Master put on the head gear of faux hair and Miho exclaimed in laughter, "I looked like a Carebear with this head gear".
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It's a great day today...
- Never Stop Dreaming -
As many of you have already known and as many of you have already read, I am just not your typical sunny island beach boy. I smile when the lights go out, I fly in the incandescent street lamps of the night and I most certainly float with the fluffy storm clouds. But today, after the slushy rain and snow mess from yesterday, I was in fact pretty excited for the sun to roll in. Because the distance peaks were all dusted in glorious white the surrounding ranges were in full view. The few clouds hung low and the exposed blue skies above reminded me once again of summer except with chilly temperatures kissing my face.
I am happy...indeed because snow on the peaks came a little earlier this year which would mean I would have snow on my feet very soon. Winter is finally here and as such, ended my long wait...the air never tasted so fresh, so crisp and so minty scented in my lungs. While the rest of the colorful greenery fades slowly to nothing but dark contrast of lines and shadows beneath the white peaks, I could safely say to myself, "Wait a little longer, have a little more patience, it's almost here..."
For 3 good years, I have never once felt the the need or even remember what the scenes of good 'o SG were like. Perhaps the same boring unsightly stuffs that I never once looked forward to have change to even shitty looking ones? I don't know and I don't really care...because what I see here are no longer confined to 2D pages or screens. Winter has become a part of my life and I do confess I need it. 3 years ago, there were those naysayers who said that I was too quick to find love for winter since I had never been thru one and that they were so confident that after my first winter, I would be singing a different tune or fleeing to warmer regions. 3 years later, I am still tasting winter like a virgin and each year it can only get better.
Though many people do not have the luxury to experience such celestial lifestyle, I can only hope and pray that someday, someone out there would be able to see the same white scenery with me and say, "I would trade everything else to live each day like this for the rest of my life."
As many of you have already known and as many of you have already read, I am just not your typical sunny island beach boy. I smile when the lights go out, I fly in the incandescent street lamps of the night and I most certainly float with the fluffy storm clouds. But today, after the slushy rain and snow mess from yesterday, I was in fact pretty excited for the sun to roll in. Because the distance peaks were all dusted in glorious white the surrounding ranges were in full view. The few clouds hung low and the exposed blue skies above reminded me once again of summer except with chilly temperatures kissing my face.
I am happy...indeed because snow on the peaks came a little earlier this year which would mean I would have snow on my feet very soon. Winter is finally here and as such, ended my long wait...the air never tasted so fresh, so crisp and so minty scented in my lungs. While the rest of the colorful greenery fades slowly to nothing but dark contrast of lines and shadows beneath the white peaks, I could safely say to myself, "Wait a little longer, have a little more patience, it's almost here..."
For 3 good years, I have never once felt the the need or even remember what the scenes of good 'o SG were like. Perhaps the same boring unsightly stuffs that I never once looked forward to have change to even shitty looking ones? I don't know and I don't really care...because what I see here are no longer confined to 2D pages or screens. Winter has become a part of my life and I do confess I need it. 3 years ago, there were those naysayers who said that I was too quick to find love for winter since I had never been thru one and that they were so confident that after my first winter, I would be singing a different tune or fleeing to warmer regions. 3 years later, I am still tasting winter like a virgin and each year it can only get better.
Though many people do not have the luxury to experience such celestial lifestyle, I can only hope and pray that someday, someone out there would be able to see the same white scenery with me and say, "I would trade everything else to live each day like this for the rest of my life."
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